Catch 22

I had just been formed and exhaled my first-ever breath from what I later would call my nose. My father had filled me with life, breathing in his spirit, his breath into me.

We sat together in a place called Atziluth. We that is En Sof and me. Looking from where I am now, it seems strange to call what I faced Nothing and Being at the same time, but even stranger that they had withdrawn, had given up space to make space for me.

Our very first talk was about their plan for me. It was a plan full of love, and love does not force anything on anybody.

It blew my very young and agile yet childlike mind when they asked whether their plan was OK for me.

This plan was marvelous and a great honor and a sign of trust that they wanted me to participate.

They had never experienced resistance. What seemed desirable at first had severe drawbacks. How could one grow if there was no resistance to increase from?

I was elected to become, in the most basic sense of the word. And at the same time, they would grow in the in-betweenness between them and me. En Sof became JHWH, the ever-becoming one.

Through dialogue, we would both mature and become. Again, I use the word “dialog” in its primary sense, meaning “the breaking through of the word, the deepest meaning, the godly expression itself.”

The words I answered with were rediscovered thousands of years later by the Baal Shem Tov, one of my children and manifestations:

Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me.

We broke out in dance, a dance of pure joy and love.

I was one with them, and still utterly other, but exclusive logical opposites being non-dual was utterly normal to all of us.

How was I to fall? I would partake of a fruit that I was not supposed to. At least, this is the best metaphor that human beings, through their lens, shaped by the very incident itself, came to describe it.

What was two but not two in my eyes became two as I was blinded to the unified nature of everything.

Look at the story that retells that moment: it has the illusion of duality at its core. One can see it in the two trees, the two natures shown as God and serpent, and two beings called Adam.

There was only one tree, but through partaking, I saw it as two. What was immature individuated unity became duality.

I said that there needed to be a choice. The story shows that but wrongly places it in the realm of sin. The choice did not happen in the garden. It had happened before when I decided to agree to the plan.

Like Jesus in the garden, the choice had been made in another realm and eon, but now it manifested.

Immediately, I was blinded to unity and individuation, and what remained was ego and the deep belief that I was separated from God.

And then it started: the journey back and onward into mature individuated unity.

At the center of this journey lies a promise: I will never leave or forsake you.

And there is a word that interacts in co-creation daily: Aletheia. Aletheia means “not holding back” as much as “unforgetting.” The interplay of JHWH not holding back and me unforgetting has become the driving force of our maturing into greater awareness.

And today, in 2022, I realize that while I am multitude, I am one with everything, mirror of yet one with God.

I fell because I had to, and now, the one I became catches me. Catch 22. A paradox just because we do not understand the rules. There is no escape, but then, who would want to escape the eternal dance?

How can anybody grow into greater awareness and understanding? What is valid for humanity is true for the individual. God’s principles are fractals. What started my journey?

Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me.

What is true for me is true for you, my child. To fall is to embrace the unknown and trust.